


HASHTAG WALRUS NO

by MadamMistress



Category: Tusk (2014)
Genre: Body Horror, Gen, Why Did I Write This?, because I hate fucking hate this movie, canonical assholery, canonical depictions of body horror, i fucking hate this movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 22:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2485193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamMistress/pseuds/MadamMistress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Alternatively: ARE THERE NO DOCTORS IN CANADA?)<br/>5 Ways The Movie Could Have Ended Differently<br/>I hated this movie so much I wrote a fanfic about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	HASHTAG WALRUS NO

**Author's Note:**

> No seriously, don't read this if you have a problem with Body Horror. (Although, if you have a problem with that, I don't know how you got through the movie anyway, but just to highlight it: Body Horror tw)

1\. How many Doctors does it take?

They’d gotten Wallace to the hospital in time, thank god. With all the screaming he’d been doing, Ally had been afraid his mind had gone, but the doctors said it was just the blood poisoning and shock of his situation reaching a peak.  
“He’s been through a great trauma,” they kept saying. “It’ll be a miracle if he’s able to come through it with his mind intact. What he’ll be like when he comes to is a mystery.”  
Apparently, they’d basically had to replace his blood stream with penicillin or something. Whatever. He was alive, and that’s what matters. So what, his legs were gone? He’d get a wheelchair or prosthetics or something. And even though his tongue had been removed, they’d gotten those awful things out of his mouth, and he could learn sign language and get false teeth. He could write a book or something! “I Wish I Could Not-See This: Surviving a Serial Killer” or some other such terrible title that would get a six figure advance and a book tour.  
He’d get through this. He would. And so would they.  
They would.  
They would.

2\. The Old Man and the Sea

They’d burst into the room, guns a-blazing, but it was too late. Far, far too late. The creature lay on the floor, breath rattling out, head dented like the bumper of Teddy’s car after Wallace had driven into a lamp post.  
The lamp post had been on a sidewalk. Teddy stared at the scene before him, mouth slack, feeling – The lamp post had been on a sidewalk. Teddy had never been able to find anything else wrong with his car, just the dent in the bumper, but the car had been half on the sidewalk and half on the road and so by all rights there should have been something wrong with the underside but he hadn’t found anything and neither had the auto shop guys who had fixed it and he’d asked them to look so how had Wallace – Wallace – oh god, Wallace.  
The creature had Wallace’s eyes.

3\. What’cha Gonna Do When They Come For You?

_Moar Margaritas!_

Wallace woke, heart pounding. He lurched forward and just barely caught the noise chocked out of his throat before it gave him away.  
Fucking chair! Fucking belt!  
He grabbed the handles on the fucking wheels, cursing under his breath when his hands kept slipping.  
Fuck, this was harder than he’d thought.  
Fuck, he was such a fucking weakling and it was gonna get him killed some psycho walrus-phile was gonna kill him oh god fuck.  
The phone. Yes. His phone. ohgodohgodohgodohgodpickuppickuppickup  
“I don’t wanna die in Canada!” He wasn’t sure Ally would understand him; he barely understood himself and he knew what he was whispering. “Call the cops!” wait. fuck. “I should call –”  
He didn’t bother finishing before he hung up. Fuck. He whipped his head around, nearly braining himself on the chair’s handle. Nothing. Pulse racing, a bright, metallic taste in his mouth, he carefully, laboriously put himself with his back to a corner.  
“I can see everything now,” he whispered, as though it would chase off that Crazy Sailor Bastard. Giggles rose in him like he was a can of Coke that had been shaken and opened.  
9-1-1  
“I need help. This guy - this crazy old man – he cut off my leg! I think he wants to turn me into some kind of animal!”  
“Stay on the line sir, tell me where you are.”  
“Bifrost. I’m in Bifrost. Like that fucking rainbow bridge in fucking Thor.”  
“Just stay on the line with me sir. We’ve dispatched some agents to your location. You’re gonna be fine.”  
He could only nod, and sob, and cling to his phone like a lifeline.

4\. Ally and Wallace’s (Not So) Excellent Adventure

“Take me with you, Wallace,” she said. “When you’re done interviewing this kid, we could go into the mountains, stay in a cabin, just the two of us…” she trailed off invitingly.  
Well. It’s kind of hard to argue with that, and he said as much. She laughed, and he pretended not to notice how surprised she was. She hadn’t expected him to say yes.  
“You just find us a place to stay near bumfuck, Canada, and we’ll go! It’ll be great!”

Of course, the Kill Bill Kid killed himself, and then Ally hadn’t let him go to that old man’s house, hadn’t even let him call him, too late his ass, so, no, it wasn’t that great, thanks for asking Teddy.  
“No problem. It’s what I’m here for.”  
“Not to laugh at my jokes?”  
“I just do that to make you feel better.”  
“Ouch!”  
“Damn right. Hey have you seen this one?”  
“No, no let me see.”  
“Listeners, this video cracks me up. It’s on our website N-O-T-S-E-E party dot com. Some guy tries to spray paint a swan.”  
“That sounds like a terrible idea.”  
“It is. The damn bird breaks his fucking legs.”  
“Oh my god show me. Play it, play it.”

5\. The Kill Bill Kid vo.2

“So hey man, I’m Wallace.”  
“Yeah, I know. I know.”  
“And you’re the Kill Bill Kid.”  
“I guess.”  
“So let me ask you, how long have you wanted to be a pirate?”  
“Oh, I don’t know, ever since I was four, I guess.”  
“So, life goal: achieved, huh?”  
“Yeah, I guess. I hadn’t really thought of it that way.”  
“No, I don’t blame you, I don’t blame you at all. But look at it this way, come Halloween, you have a ready made costume. And no one will be able to give you shit for it. Of course the jokes might get repetitive.”  
“You think? It’s like people only have one of three things to say to me these days.”  
“I bet, I bet. Now, where the hell did you get that sword?”

“Well,” Ally said, much, much later, “I suppose that wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”  
“Oh, come on, I was super nice. The kid was nice enough, a bit of an idiot, but nice enough.”  
“Wallace!”  
“What?” Ally turned away sharply, and turned on the news. “Ally, come on, he cut off his fucking leg with a samurai sword. You have to admit, that’s a bit stupid.”  
“Oh my god.”  
“What?”  
“Look! look at that!”

_“Breaking News: Howard Howe was arrested today in Bifrost, Canada in connection with at least 24 murders and body mutilations. Authorities answered an emergency call from Mr. Howe’s house and found what appears to be a human body in the basement. Witnesses say the body’s legs were removed below the knee and the arms were surgically fused to the torso. Canadian authorities released a statement saying they were fully confident that these tragic and horrifying deaths were at an end, and that Mr. Howe would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. His latest victim is in the hospital and in stable condition.”_

“Jesus Christ.”  
“How far away were you from there, Wallace?”  
“I don’t know, Ally, it’s all Bumfuck, Nowhere up there. A great frozen wasteland where they play hockey instead of regular sports.”  
“Oh, sure,”  
“And anyways, I wouldn’t have gone even further into the middle of nowhere! I was in no real danger.”  
“Right, right.”  
“You know, we should get that guy to be on the podcast! The victim, I mean. That’d be a good show.”  
“Wallace!”


End file.
